Conflict Resolution
Like any other profession, counseling influences the clinician’s personal relationships. There are conflicts that arise in personal and professional relationships. Effective communication is key resolving conflicts in either domain. There are various types of conflicts with various people, and each has its own resolution. Each domain has conflicts that are inevitable, but being prepared for them will help clinicians navigate their exploration of these conflicts. I will explain these concepts and note how I have seen them effect my internship.
There are a few basic communication skills that must be had to successfully prevent conflicts, and resolve conflicts if they should arise, in a smooth and controlled manner. These skills include:
Give your whole attention to the other person – Be sure to put all the things in your mind aside so that you can truly hear what the other person is expressing. I recently got a new dog, a cute dog-named Archie who is about one year old. When I first got him, I needed to set aside all the things I was thinking about him (is he making accidents, is he destroying his toys, how is my cat acting toward him) so that I could be present when my boss spoke to me, or when the clients spoke to me.
Listen intently – If you give your full attention to other people, then you should be able to listen intently, or listen to what they are saying not just that they are saying something. Understand the details they share, try to take it in as if you would need to recall the conversation word by word in the future. I have learned to prioritize how intently I listen so that I do not exhaust myself by noon. When my boss talks, I listen for key words like names or times, and then intently listen when those are mentioned. This way I can always listen intently to the clients in the hopes of providing more relevant and helpful information and reflections so that they can get the most out of our sessions.
Show interest in what the other person is saying – This is simply reacting to what people are saying. When they make a joke, laugh, when they express a sad experience, show the proper amount of sorrow. I have noticed that at times clients will get distracted in group and will not react accordingly when someone shares in group, this can make the group uncomfortable if it is noticed by others, therefore, I try to be sure all clients are attentive in the group.
Resist distractions – A clocks ticking, the hum of the heaters, the sudden rush of water through the pipes, the world is full of little distractions even when distractions are minimized. It is important to not be distracted when someone talks, you want them to feel like you are hearing them and if you respond with interrupting or reacting to a small distraction, the other person may feel that you do not validate their feelings; This will likely lead to more conflict. When I am in a particularly boring conversation and I find myself getting distracted, I focus on reading the other persons lips so that I can refocus on what the individual is saying.
Be patient – One thing I struggle with at times is patience while other people are talking. I like to react after each point they make, not move on to new points only for me to nee to go back and revisit the points. However, as tedious as it seems, it is important to let the other person share everything they are saying because more details and future points may clarify what the individual is saying or answer a question you would have asked. I have been getting better at being patient especially because not being patient keeps adding more conflict to the current conflict.
Have an open mind – We all like to think that we are the very intelligent man or woman and all other people have wrong ideas. This is not the case. When communicating with people, it is helpful to try to set aside your values and beliefs enough that you stop comparing what they are saying to your values and beliefs. Values and beliefs are influenced by many factors and they are generally somewhat different for everyone, thus, it is not fair to compare your values with someone else’s. If you can think back to a time where you spoke with someone and got really mad at them because they just were not getting what you were saying (especially about politics or religion), you will find it is because the person did not have the same values as you, and compared what you were saying to their values. In order for that person to really understand what you wanted to say, the other person would have needed to accept your values (briefly) and apply what you were saying to the, not their own values. Since I know how frustrating it is to talk to someone with a closed mind, I work hard not to have a closed mind, although I am not perfect.
Resist being defensive – When another person is disagreeing with what we say, we often want to point out why they are wrong about us being wrong. However, if we take the time to understand their idea, we can see the flaw in our thinking and find a well-rounded solution to a problem. When we find where our ideas lack support, we are able to adjust our ideas to become better supported and will have a better solution. This is often seen in the political debates. Many people want a moderate approach to government; although the two parties tend to disagree with each other just because they do not want to accept that another perspective might have an advantage in the conflict resolution.
Focus on the content not the delivery – Grammar and speaking eloquently is definitely a skill that helps support a person’s authority to speak on a topic, however, in the end, the content is what matters. A good idea expressed poorly is still better than a bad idea expressed eloquently. I have often put emphasis on HOW the other person speaks rather than WHAT the other person speaks. I have found though, that I have missed great opportunities to grow because I put too much emphasis on how the other person spoke that I didn’t learn what I could have from what they said. This is not applicable if the other person is speaking in a degrading or disrespectful way.
Hold your fire – While intently listening, be sure you are not thinking of responses, but instead hearing what is being said, otherwise you might miss a crucial detail.
Pay attention to body language – Body language is important. Make eye contact, observe their body movements. This may reveal that they are not telling everything. There is a client at my internship that works hard to control what he says and how he says it. Sometimes this is good because he is gaining self-control, but other times, he needs to say what he is thinking. What is nice is that this client exhibits his anxiety via his body language, by acting restless. This prompts the staff to inquire why he is anxious and often leads to an opportunity for him to learn skills such as how to communicate his thoughts appropriately rather than holding them in, or to know what is good to keep to himself and what is good to share.
Now that good communication is understood, it is important to address the different types of conflicts. Conflicts occur due to number of factors including diversity and differences, Needs, perceptions, power, values, feelings and emotions, and internal conflicts. The factors play roles as stated below:
Diversity and Differences – at the core of every conflict is a difference between two people. Everyone has different desires, goals, dreams, perceptions, and values. Conflict occurs when two people have different opinions on any topic.
Needs – when a person’s needs are ignored, obstructed, or misunderstood by another person, conflict ensues.
Perceptions – Perception is how an individual interprets a situation or person, when two people have different self-perceptions or perceptions about others or an event, conflict may arise.
Power – There may be a conflict when there is a power differential or someone disagrees with how another person uses his or her power.
Values and Principles – When two people value different things, conflict may arise depending on how important the topic is to the individuals involved.
Feelings and Emotions – Most conflicts cause some emotional reaction in the participants. These emotional reactions are determined by the aforementioned factors, especially values.
Internal Conflicts – If an individual has an internal conflict that is not resolved, it is likely that it will manifest itself in the individuals interaction with others.
There are three types of Conflicts described below:
Conflict of emotions – one event can affect people in very different ways. A terrorist attack can make one person sad while it makes another person angry. Sometimes, these reactions are so different that a conflict arises.
Value conflict – When two people value opposite things, a conflict can arise. This is seen in two relevant cases, gay rights, and abortion. While one person may support gay rights or abortion because they value individual freedom in its purest form, another person can fight against gay rights and abortion because they see them as a sin.
Conflict of Needs – This can be seen as an internal conflict. An individual may have a value of always being ethical; however, they may also be starving with no money and resolve to steal from the store in order to get nourishment. This brings an internal conflict, what is more important, values or needs.
Although there are multiple types of conflicts, it is good to remember that there is always room for resolution. One three-step process for conflict resolution involves (1) treating the other with respect, (2) Listen until you are able to fully understand the other person’s perspective, and (3) to express your views, needs, and feelings. Following this process will likely enable a healthy, systematic, approach to resolution that will ultimately enable everyone involved to grow from the conflict.
One way to better handle conflicts appropriately is to learn and gain three skills. A person should learn (1) how to control their anger, (2) how to receive anger, and (3) how to express their anger appropriately. This ongoing process never ends, but if worked on regularly, will reduce the stress of conflicts and enable conflicts to be resolved quickly and efficiently.
In the end, counseling can bring about conflicts in personal and professional settings, however, effective communication, correct identification of conflicts, and mutual respect will decrease the impact that a conflict has on the relationship. The best thing to do is learn about your own anger, how to accept other people’s anger, and keep control of how you express your anger.
